A Day in the Life of Voldemort
by ilovesoccer13
Summary: Title says it all. Rated T to be safe, with major OOCness on Voldemort's part. Just a short little story about what Voldemort does when he's not trying to kill Harry.


Harry and Voldemort faced each other, wands at the ready. Voldemort laughed coldly. "You'll be joining your pathetic parents soon, Potter. You wait and see."

Harry growled angrily. Suddenly, he shouted, "Avada Kedavra!"

"Protego!" Harry's own spell reflected back to himself. Before either of them knew what had happened, Harry was lying on the ground, motionless. Everyone watching their fight stood in shock. Voldemort stood over Harry's body. He felt happiness swelling up in him. Soon enough, Voldemort started laughing softly. It got louder, and soon Voldemort was laughing maniacally. Everyone backed away, frightened. Voldemort spun around to look at them, putting his back to Harry's body.

"Don't you see?" Voldemort said with an evil smile. "He was never a match for me! I have won! The boy who lived is d-" BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP

Voldemort rolled over and hit the snooze button on his clock. His head was throbbing painfully.

"Damn, I always wake up at the best part."

"Wake up, sleepyhead!" he heard one of his Death Eaters exclaim happily from beside him. Voldemort looked to his right and saw a male Death Eater in the bed with him.

"Aah!" he screamed, falling out of the bed in shock. He stood up. "Who the hell are you?"

"You don't remember? Oh, you were probably too drunk last night," the man said with pout.

"No one must know of this," Voldemort thought. "Avada Kedavra!" he said, flicking his wand at the man, who died right away. Suddenly Lucius walked in.

"Oh, c'mon, another body I have to clean up? Master, soon or later you have to come to terms with your sexual preferences," Lucius told him.

"Do you want me to kill you too?" Voldemort said, raising his wand.

"No sir," Lucius said quickly, walking out of the room, dragging the man's body along behind him. As soon as he was gone, Voldemort stretched, yawning loudly. He looked down at his own half-naked body.

"Still got it, Voldy," he said to himself with a chuckle. "I knew those excercise videos would do you good."

He make his bed, tucking his pink sheet into the bed and covering it with his fuzzy blanket of the same color. When he was done, Voldemort shook his head lightly. "After last night, I'm gonna need a cold shower."

He headed into his bathroom, turning the shower on. Voldemort stood in the shower for ten minutes, not bothering to wash himself. He got out with a satisfied sigh, heading to the closet for a towel. "Ah, nice and soft," he said aloud after picking the fuzziest one, similar to the blanket on his bed. We dried himself off, then put his robe on.

Voldemort walked into the kitchen of the Malfoy Manor with his pink Happy Bunny robe on. It had "Too Cute for You" written across the butt of it.

"What's for breakfast?" he asked Malfoy, who was slaving over the hot stove.

"Pancakes," Malfoy replied.

Voldemort rubbed his hands together. "Goody, my favorite!"

Malfoy held back an annoyed sigh, and put the pancakes down in front of Voldemort, along with some syrup. He started to head to his room, when Voldemort cleared his throat.

Malfoy turned around. "What?"

"I _believe _I said I prefer the _Aunt Jemima syrup_!" Voldemort demanded immaturely.

Malfoy sighed. "Yes, Master." He snatched the other syrup off the table and quickly replaced it with Voldemort's preference.

"Don't have an attitude with me!" Voldemort said through his food, wagging his finger at Malfoy.

"Yes, sir," Malfoy said grumpily.

"Like you mean it," Voldemort coaxed.

"Yes, sir," Malfoy forced out sweetly.

"Much better." Voldemort shoved more pancakes into his face, and finally Malfoy escaped.

Just as Voldemort finished his breakfast, Lucius came back down the stairs.

"Did you get rid of the body?" Voldemort asked.

"Yes. I think tonight I'll call male strippers because it doesn't matter as much if they die," Lucius reasoned.

"I told you, I'm not gay!" Voldemort replied.

"That's not what you told Nott last night..." Lucius said with a smirk.

"What? What did I say?" Voldemort asked nervously.

"I should have known, you were too drunk to remember," Lucius said with another smirk. "You need to lay off the alchohol, Master, if you don't mind me saying."

"Well, I do mind!" Voldemort said before chugging down his beer. He set the glass down on the table and got up to head back to his room.

"So...I guess I won't call the male strippers...and I'll throw away all the beer..."

Voldemort stopped in his tracks. "Now...why on Earth would you want to do that? The Death Eaters need to be motivated. Go ahead and call the strippers, and don't throw away the beer!"

As Voldemort walked away, Lucius called out, "The Death Eaters aren't gay, and most of them don't drink!"

Voldemort pretended not to hear.

He reached his room and sat down at his desk, looking around at the scattered papers. He found one with yesterday's date on it, marked, "Plan to Defeat Harry Pooter".

"Pooter?" Voldemort thought to himself. He looked at the rest of a paper. It was a drawing. Two stick figures labeled Ron and Hermione stood next to each other crying, while two tiny feet labeled Harry stuck out from under a house. Voldemort stared down at the paper.

"Damn, I _was_ drunk."

He rifled through the rest of his things, finding nothing interesting. He got up and layed down on his bed, letting the fuzzyness surround him.

"Ah," he sighed. Suddenly, there was a knock on the door. Lucius's voice came through from the other side. "Master, the manor is under attack!"

Voldemort hopped to his feet, running out of his room. Just as he was in sight of the front door, Voldemort saw Harry Potter burst through it with his entire posse behind him. Voldemort raised his wand. He and Harry locked eyes, and they both froze. Everyone else noticed Voldemort and backed up behind Harry. The Death Eaters did the same to Voldemort.

"Leave this to me," Voldemort said. He and Harry stepped towards each other. "Crucio!" Voldemort shouted.

"Protego! Expelliarmus!"

"Protego!"

"Diffindo!"

Voldemort dodged Harry's spell. "Avada Kedavra!" he shouted. Harry dived out of the way, and the spell struck Ginny. Nobody cared that she died **(sorry Ginny fans :)**, and Harry and Voldemort continued fighting. Finally one of Harry's spells struck Voldemort, who's wand flew out of his hand. Everyone gasped, except Ginny because she was dead. Voldemort looked up at Harry with fear in his eyes.

Harry raised his wand. "Wait!" Voldemort exclaimed.

"What?" Harry said cautiously.

"Harry...I'm your father," Voldemort said. Harry stared at him.

"Really?" he asked, his voice shaking.

"Hell no! What do you think, I raped your mother or something?" Voldemort summoned his wand with wandless magic while Harry's guard was down, and shouted, "Avada Kedavra!" Harry fell to the ground.

Voldemort stood up and jumped for joy. "I killed him! I killed him! I killed...DAMMIT, NOT AGAIN!" BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP

Voldemort woke up and slammed his fist down on his alarm clock, crushing it. He heard a gasp beside him, and turned to his right.

"Ugh..." Voldemort said, reaching for his wand.


End file.
